Delirious Viral Ramblings

Hello everyone.

So this week I have been mostly ill. As I am currently 90% unemployed, this is not good, as I have no work to be relaxing from. So I have spent the last four days basically watching TV. I am now completely and utterly sick of ANYTHING than can been shown on a screen. All the things I *DO* want to watch, I have seen toooo many times. Come on Mighty Boosh! Make more episodes! Come ON! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!! Bah.

So I am so bored of things! And yes, I suppose there are lots of things I *could* do. Such as tidy my room, vaccuum, rewrite my CV. But all of these things are boring, involve energy, brain power, or muscles. And I am unwilling to involve myself with such effort. Also I *have* no brain anymore, I have a pressure cooking in stead. Sometimes when I blow my nose, a little of the pressure cooker vented into my ears or tear ducts with a popping cracking noise and the world turns upside down. That is in fact why I am doing this now. I am too dizzy to stand up so I have to occupy myself with my computer.

However fortunately I feel a little better now. I can tell I'm getting better, because all the stuff that was packed into my massive throbbing pressurey brain, has been coming out of my face. WOooop for a disgusting yet winning result!

So within the last few hours I have resolutely said "NO!" to continuing to sit down, and watching more of whatever is on Dave (our TV stand broke so now we use Dave the vagrant we found at a bus-stop) and I decided to make cake. Pumpkin cake to be exact. I am currently trying to balance boiling pumpkin into puree with not standing up for too long. It's going ok!

Here are some fun delirious noises:
Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhayyyyaaaaaaaaaa the world is up and down and fish and have you seen my spanner-dog? it looks like a spanner and barks like a dog! I need it to fix my -N YEEEEERRRRRR- medicinal potatoe dispenser! Maahahahaaa I's well frenked arf in fezzy McDingo I HAVE LOST --zzzzzz- MY FEET!! Red. Isn't it though. HISS.

That was very enjoyable. I shall have to do more of that later.

So I'm actually pretty disappointed with this illness. It's been rubbish. Not mild enough to enjoy dossing around; no-one around (like family members or a boyfriend) to fuss over and look after me; no vomiting or loss of apetite therefore there will be no weight loss and I'm not even reading any particularly good books which i can pour over all day in the absense of other things to do. So none of accidental benefits have occured at all.

Also, my neck is very big- glands and tonsils and things. I think, width wise, it prob now looks like i'm wearing a very smooth skin-coloured scarf. Massive neck fail. Unless I'm developing gills, which may be useful in the oncoming climatic apocalypse, I am extremely unimpressed.

WEEEEeeaaaaaaarrrnnnn-nya-nya-nya naaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr BRRAP in my soup Graham....Oh... :( Freeeeeeeee my gorilla printer to Granada in jam. Zaaaaaaarrrmmmmmm

Actually one interesting thing has come out of this illness. It is amazing how automatic the body is. I am intermittantly pretty dizzy at the moment (which as a bit of a surprise, my Aunt told me a few days ago that inner ear problems run in my family on both sides. Woop! I have a lifetime of this to come!). But even though I am dizzy and feel really disorientated and not in control of my body, my legs still walk me forwards, sit me down, take me upstairs etc. Woop! Auto-body for the win!! As a first aider I have walked technically unconcious people  from place to place, when stretchers/carry chairs etc were lacking, and even when unconcious, unresponsive, eyes shut etc, people can still put one foot in front of the other and carry their own weight....kind of. With encouragement and directional help on each side anyway.

So I won't continue to moan. Except that's all I have to say, as being ill and lying down is ALL I have done for the last few days.

Also- I'm going to go assess the failure of my pumpkin cake!

Love love xx

A blog entry born out of boredom

A blog entry born out of boredom

This title reminds me of an article I read when I was 13 or 14, about two 13/14 year old cousins who got “bored” in a caravan at Centre Parcs when their parents were out and conceived a little inbred baby. But to be fair- in terms of keeping yourself occupied, it probably worked.


We had great fun watching Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus the other day. It is a triumph of cinematic achievement. Esp if what you want from your cinema is monsters which are improbably created/found, really really emotional facial expressions and really pretty chemicals in test tubes which never quite turn the right colour until the “chemistry” is right- i.e. two scientists have sex, and then it clicks and they find the answers (which glow neon yellow in the test tube- that's how they know it's worked), inspired by their love.

My favourite bit was when the shark bit the plane out of the sky. Unfortunatly their graphics weren't great for this so this one of it eating the San Fran Golden Gate Bridge will have to do.

This prompted us to discuss and therefore learn lots of stuff about e.g. octopodes. I say octopodes because I am a classical pedant, and octopus as a Greek word should be pluralised to octopodes. But if you say octopuses I won’t develop murderous rage. Unless you say “octopi”. WOAH. Just no. Die in a festering hole made of poisonous spikes.

So anyway- let me tell you about octopodes. Actually I can’t be bothered to paraphrase. So here is some quality copy-pasting.

“Using a network of pigment cells and specialized muscles in its skin, the common octopus can almost instantaneously match the colors, patterns, and even textures of its surroundings. Predators such as sharks, eels, and dolphins swim by without even noticing it.”

“When discovered, an octopus will release a cloud of black ink to obscure its attacker's view, giving it time to swim away. The ink even contains a substance that dulls a predator's sense of smell, making the fleeing octopus harder to track. Fast swimmers, they can jet forward by expelling water through their mantles. And their soft bodies can squeeze into impossibly small cracks and crevices where predators can't follow.”

“An octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator's grasp and regrow it later with no permanent damage. They also have beaklike jaws that can deliver a nasty bite, and venomous saliva, used mainly for subduing prey.”

“They can grow to about 4.3 feet (1.3 meters) in length and weigh up to 22 pounds (10 kilograms), although averages are much smaller”
And because I am good academic pedant here is a citation!

So. I will tell you about my Sunday.

On Sunday I was at work. But in Leeds all the swingers were learning the Big Apple, with the beautiful Jazz Extravaganza that is Cat Foley (seriously- this woman has MAGIC feet. Help her out and book her to teach dancing and stuff), and then/or dancing in Golden Acre Park! I wanted to be dancing.
Here is a video of what they acheived. Well done all!

Instead I spent the morning at work, prodding at some very difficult poo, which had been left in a toilet in the gents over night, with a stick. It actually took hours.
Everyone was dancing, and I was pouring horrible chemicals around, and scraping at masses of faeces. Rather than dancing. Bad and upsetting times.

I’m going to move on from this now because there’s not much else I can say without being unnecessarily gratuitous... but it wasn’t very pleasant.

So I’ve been thinking a bit about ways to fill silence. I used to think I was pretty good at this, but I seem to have lost my mojo. I realised this especially a few weeks ago at Bristol Lindy Exchange. My ability to strike up exciting conversation with people who I know a bit has suffered. Strangers/friends are fine, but people-I-know-just-a-bit are more difficult. I do tend to come of significantly more insane than I genuinely am.

I once heard someone say “sometimes silence is so intense you get the urge to set yourself on fire just to distract away from it.” I do not recommend this course. I mean it will probably work, but there may be unpleasant side effects- i.e. being on fire, making everyone think you are terrifyingly insane...again...being on fire, gaining severe burns... varieties on these themes. But as I say, people *will* talk.
I mean, if you want to break a silence and you really don’t *care* if you come off frighteningly insane, there are loads of options. “MMmm... can you taste murderous hate?” or “Ever eaten a cat?”

My friend Mike recently broke a silence with “Did you know it was legal to rape your wife until 1993?” I thought this was great. If you know your audience can deal with inappropriate comments and will enjoy the comedy value, and in this case, not get the impression that you are a fan of rape. I am a bit bad at judging who enjoys inappropriate comedy and tend to just say things anyway, but this is a fairly good way of weeding out the boring people, so as long as it’s not at work it’s generally ok-ish.

I used to pose interesting questions. E.g. If you were a biblical plague which biblical plague would you be? This is a pretty good one but I think I’ve used it on almost everyone I know. I’d be rain of fire, so you know. Then I would have a mild corruption of a famous Johnny Cash song all of my own. Also very good- would you rather have arms made of cheese or legs made of beef? Both are pretty much useless, unfortunately. I’d rather have legs made of beef, because when they rot or fall off or get eaten by stuff, I’d still have the use of my arms. However I heard a *great* answer once which was, “I’d rather have arms made of cheese, because I’d rather eat my own arms than have dogs eat my legs.” Excellent. This person was a genius of giant proportions. (the genius element was giant, not the actual person.)

Inspired by Mike I am going to start trying to break silence with inappropriate comments. E.g. “It takes nine years for a corpse to become a skeleton”, or “10% of dry human weight comes from bacteria”. What do you think? I’m not sure it’ll start a long conversation, but it’ll acknowledge the silence with comedy/interesting fact, and that’s got to achieve something good right?

Till next tie! I O U a dance move of the week very soon.

xx