Sleep for the Desperate

Can't sleep?

Despite being **insanely** exhausted?

Shuffle, shuffle, fidget, glass of water, fidget?


Didn't work? WHY CAN'T YOU SLEEP???? GOD WHY??

Afraid for your mental health?

In the throws of last night's insomnia not only did I do some wonderfully disturbed art work, but also started to come up with tips to help desperately exhausted people to sleep.


1) Hypothermia!


Your body temperature needs to be below 30 degrees for this to really make you sleepy and sluggish... This may make your skin blue and puffy and painful and you will probably shiver very very violently. But it depends how desperate you are to get to sleep. Leave all your windows open on a cold winter night, and sleep naked with no covers.

If you can get your windows to close, and heating or a lil heater to come on like maybe half an hour after you start to get too cold, you can warm up once you are asleep, and limit the permanent physiological damage.

It's prob best to have some toast and a few good table spoons of honey before you try this so your blood sugar remains stable...


2)  Moby Dick

This is honestly one of the most boring books I have every tried to read. And I'm a big fan of literature of the 19th century. A good proportion of my books are penguin/Oxford world classics from the 1700-1900 kinda area.

But MY GOD. How did this book every become "a classic". Dear lord.

I can almost guarantee that your body will shut down in self-defense if you attempt it.

Robinson Crusoe is also surprisingly boring, despite its fame and apparent popularity. I mean, it's kinda ok at the beginning, and in some select pages, but at the end you can see even Daniel Defoe became deathly bored, and after hundred and hundreds of pages, a boat just turns up and rescues Crusoe- the end.


3)  Draw some pictures related to your insomnia for the purposes of a blog post in the future


This is exhausting. Trust me.


4) Having just the right amount of drink.

Do not get wasted, because drowning in your vomit when you do fall alseep is NOT a good way to go. And alcohol induced nausea is also not going to help. But maybe a little of soething that isn't fizzy?


5) Consume a Sloth

Everyone knows that by consuming something you gain qualities from that thing. Obviously if you eat a sloth you will gain it's qualities. For example, being able to sleep anywhere, for 15 or 18 hours at a time. Also having hair that grows the other way up.


6) (or if you are vegetarian) Consume a lettuce

For a scientific reference for this please refer to The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies - Beatrix Potter.


7) Leeches or blood letting.

These will cause hypovolemia. Slowly. Use with caution. Blood loss *does* make you drowsy though... At some point presumably they'll get full and fall off.


8) Become a private assassin.

Running around at night and thinking of imaginative ways to bump off your hits will certainly tire you out, by the time you get to bed, presuming you are not haunted by the faces of those you have just murdered for cold hard cash, you will have no trouble dropping off as soon as your head hits the pillow. (Best to keep a weapon under the pillow in case your new "friends in the industry" wish to even the odds in your sleep. However try not to think of this when you go to bed).

If this gives you moral concerns, you could market yourself as a socially responsible assassin- only accepting commisions on evil master criminals or murderers, or people who are currently developiing weapons of mass destruction for personal use.

The generous extra income will certainly give you peace of mind, contributing to a brilliant night's sleep.


9) Don't fancy actual killing? Selling your body is less likely to get you actually killed, as long as you are careful and hire/persuade yourself a strong, protective and vigilent pimp or body guard.

I recommend you go down the expensive high class lady/gentleman of the night road, rather than the stretchy leopard skin mini skirts outside Iffi's Kebab Hut route. This way you're less likely to be embroiled in drug crime or raped and killed by gangs. Try frequenting the bars of expensive hotels, and keeping most of your flesh covered in nice yet seductive looking clothing, steering clear of e.g. lime green pleather halter-neck belly tops. That goes for you too gents.

The posh hotel route also makes it easier for you to e.g. insist that everyone has a shower first, and that protection is mandatory.

Again- provided you are not haunted by various different acts/requests/customers, this should wear you out so you fall asleep as soon as you try. Hurray!




Happy sleeping!!