"Well, snow?? WELL??" and other stories.

Bring it, ice-bitch!

Well. As an update to my "preparation for the big freeze" blog of November time, I am disgruntled to inform you that no snow, or ice, or blizzards, or cataclysmic avalanches have occurred! Not around here anyway. Yes the weather outside *is* frightful, and the fire *is* so delightful, but the noisy goits battering against my window, and the dripping down the chimney are not the finely carved wonders which are snowflakes. Rain. Just rain. Oh and wind, don't forget wind. Rain's malicious bastard wing man. I hate those gits. Yuk and sulk.

I should have known I had sealed our fate to a wet, mild, miserable winter when I found an affordable snow shovel which fits comfortably in my boot. I'm such a fool.

Oh well. Perhaps snow will yet come, who knows. Here are some other stories:

New Year


Apparently it has just been the beginning of a new year. I have two thoughts on this subject:

1) Pah. "New Year". Everyone knows a year is a cycle and never stops or starts. A "New Year" just means we have a new artificially human number to write after it when we do boring things like think about finances, fill in legal documents etc. Pah.
2) Hurrah! It's a whole new world full of possibility and things I can do to change my life forever!

These two ideas do seem pretty inimical, but humans are not logical things. Especially not me. I think both of them at the same time. But their ranking depends on my mood.

Do you have any interesting new years resolutions? I have only the ideas that I have every new year ever.
"this will be the year when I get thin and fit!" I've basically given up with that one. The world is full of "easy ways to get thin". E.g. this from New Scientist. But the problem is I love eating chocolate pretty much constantly, which I don't think these easy ways can really accommodate.

(Speaking of "easy ways" to do something, in a newspaper recently we were reading about easy ways to save money. They were things like "charge your rechargeable items at work" and "try not to buy stuff". Who are these unsung genii, and why are we not worshipping them?)

I think I probably need to have some short term achievable goals. "This year I will buy milk, and replace my car's rear windscreen wiper". In that case, I've already achieved 100% success! NYRs FTW!


A few more things to mention. Futurama is genius. I just bought myself season 5 as a late Christmas present and am enjoying it. Here is an example of how it is awesome :) Also, using Fry as a brilliant example, I really want to introduce myself to people from now on with "Hello, I'm Helena. I can eat a hot dog under water!"
However, although it is great, whoever markets it is a massive ball of fail. It came out on the 26th December! 26th December?? What were they *thinking*?? I did ask Father Christmas for it, but he sent me a letter saying that even HE could not access these DVDs prior to their release date. But he said he'd sent some of the elves round to beat some marketing sense into the troglodytes who chose that date.


Random point number 3920: There is a blog for everything! Here are some examples.
Llama font! (say it with llamas)
Animals with casts (why...? just why.)
Goths Up Trees!
Disapproving Rabbits

One ironic point. The Blogger spell check doesn't recognise the word "blog." Or, in fact, "Blogger". Ironic? I'm not sure because some people get very upset about the misuse of "irony" when it's just coincidental, or...something else. But if it's not ironic, it's something a bit like irony. (disclaimer complete).

I think that's about all for now. Hope all is grand with you and all of the world!
Loves.

THE BIG FREEZE COMETH

THE BIG FREEZE COMETH

Our lakes and rivers, even the sea will freeze as solid and grey as fish-imbued iron, our eyelashes and beards white with ice, all our pipes will burst leaving our houses a solid waterfall of icicles, and travel will be impossible unless you happen to own a snow plough. Polar bears will migrate south and be found rummaging through our bins in the morning, and hitting a lumbering walrus as you drive to work will become a real and present threat. And we will all resort to eating our pets and relatives as trapped inside our houses, food grows short.

This is what shall occur when The Big Freeze cometh.

Or so says the papers (some of the more alarmist ones anyway…) And this year I’m inclined to believe them. Except for the fish-iron and cannibalism. Urban-Polar bears would be quite cool too.

As one of the “born to be mild” generation, the last few years have taken me by surprise, along with most other people under 40. Having never really had to deal with any real quantity of snow until the last few years it’s all been a bit surprising.

*This Year* though- I will be prepared.

I feel pretty ahead of the game already, having learnt to bleed a radiator last week. I have also been stocking up on tinned food, UHT milk, tea bags, frozen food, candles, and things like that. I’ve also tried to help my parents stock up on wood for their wood burning stove.

They’re both a bit injured right now. But their injuries are mildly amusing so I’ll detail further:

Mum: In a *FRENZY* of housework she managed to rupture a tendon in her finger. So she has a painful floppy finger. It is now in a splint to help it heal straight, rather than at an alarming angle. This means she’s having manual dexterity issues.

It also means that, as she is a GP, she is told by her patients at a rate of approx 1 per hour “Oh ho ho! You should see a doctor!”
This means she is also at constant risk of accidentally embedding a scalpel in someone’s face.

Dad: Dad ran down some concrete steps outside a service station, slipped on some slime, and landed his whole body weight on his shoulder- thus tearing something bad and meaning he can’t really use his left arm much, pick stuff up, chop wood etc.

As a result my Gran has trying to buy him some ill-advised crampons. She has been told that crampons on concrete aren’t necessarily a good idea, but she is not to be deterred. It’s a repeat of the lawn-aerating-shoe spikes she bought us all over again. She’ll be TERRIBLY and constantly offended if said crampons aren’t worn every day in all situations. Including funerals, surgery, and in the supermarket.

So anyway: these things mean that mum and dad do not have a big happy log store like they have in previous years which is one of the main reasons I *have* to get home soon, and before December. So I can go mad with an axe.
The other is to pick up my jingly reindeer horns etc.

If the Big Freeze cometh not, it shall be a bit of an anti-climax to be honest. This year I’m mentally mega prepared so it’d better snow!

So everyone: my message to you is to stock up on lots of tinned/tetra-packed goods, fuel if you use it other than from the mains. Make sure you have blanket/deicer/water etc in your car. Dishwasher salt so you can de-ice your path/steps too, because that always sells out reeeally quickly when there’s ice.

This is not the article I read re the Born to be Mild generation, but it is a little one you can read without having to pay or subscribe to the eMetro.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8852756/Young-Britons-cant-bleed-a-radiator.html

Also this year, hopefully if we are all prepared, and expecting it, we will be able to appreciate and admire the beauty of the snow, and enjoy it, mess around it in, and still be able to function and travel around.

Rather than just complaining about it. *Ceaselessly*. Please.

Found sheltering in our shed during The Big Freeze

Wouldn't it be nice if snow could be a beautiful thing, rather than an annoying thing?
Well... It can!