Quarter Life Crisis

As I near my quarter-century birthday I have been prompted to re-evaluate my life.  This evening my housemate asked me the question, “do you ever just think your life is pointless and going nowhere?” And I replied, “yes, but I tell myself it’s because I’m young, and all the things I want will come with time.”

Is that true? I am now at an age where I am expected to be financially independent, and achieving my life goals! I must accept that I am no longer a student!

So I am making a list of things I want to have, or achieve, in my life, and thinking a bit more about how I can start to win a bit more at life.

E.g. I have always wanted to be a novelist.

How am I going about achieving this? By not writing a single thing in over 3 years.

Excellent.

E.g. 2. I have always wanted to get fit and healthy and STAY like that (this is the trick. I was very fit and healthy for me in 2004 and 2008…maybe 2012 will bring me fitness!).

I am failing to achieve this by going to the gym maybe once in 2 weeks. I do lots of swing dancing too, but I know this won’t really have a massive effect as I am lazy, and do it only a few times a week. And I am at a level where I now expend very limited energy when dancing.
Yesterday was a severe token gym day and today I can’t walk, so let’s leave that by the wayside right now.

 

E.g. 3. I want to be able to speak another language well, so other people think I’m cool for being bilingual. Also so that I am bilingual.

I am accidently improving my French at work, because we get daily influxes of horrible French teenagers. So I get a lot of practise saying things like “Please be quiet”, “please don’t take photographs here”, “Please calm down!”, “don’t touch that, it is a thousand years old!”, and all sorts of other exasperated things. But that’s going reasonably well.

Therefore this evening I am going to pick up “Harry Potter et la chamber des secrets” again. That’s learning right?

E.g. 4. I want a lovely man.

I automatically defend myself from all lovely men by letting them know (directly or indirectly) that I am rubbish at flirting, and psychologically damaged by previous horrible men, and then making terrible jokes all the time = friend zone. I must stop doing this.

E.g. 5. I want to spend lots of time with my family

I love my family greatly, and spend very very little time with them. I live 6 hours north of home, and hardly ever get back to see them. I know I will regret this in the future.

E.g. 6. Career?

That’s more of a plea to the universe that anything. I am pretty lucky to even have a job at the moment. Hopefully, after paying my dues to the heritage world in the world of front of house staff, I will eventually get a job organising others or doing something else… maybe events? That’d be cool.

E.g. 7. Be actually good at music!

I have a reasonable voice, piano, 2 guitars, violin and cello. And Kazoo. And I have to say the thing I have practised most recently is the Kazoo. Wrong. This I blame largely on facebook. My poor lovely instruments. I have a good grounding in all except the cello (which was bequeathed to me and I have yet to find a teacher and actually give it a go), but I do nothing with it. Badness.

There are many more examples of things I feel I should be doing. E.g. being financially independent of parental help somehow…

Basically I am making a new June resolution which is to live life to the full, get my world in order, take lots of opportunities, and get as much fun and enrichment out of life as I can. In the short term this will involve boring things like trying to get a rebate on overpaid tax, doing hard slog at the gym, writers’ block etc. But fingers are crossed that pay offs will be had.

And if all that fails maybe I can be a sleuthy lady solving murders all over the world and helping local police whilst trying to vindicate my various random friends and family members from murders they did not commit.

Gratitude and Song Lyric related Zombies

I haven’t written anything in my blog for maaaany moons. Though I have started writing and given up halfway through due to not having any interesting conclusions… But I’ve decided that shouldn’t hold me back! So for better or worse here is some rambling.

Enjoy.

Gratitude and Awe

Written a few weekends ago when I was home visiting mum, dad and my youngest sister.

Inspired by Tessa’s year of gratitude - http://tessasmith.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/my-year-of-gratitude-week-fourteen/ this weekend has made me so very grateful for my wonderful family, and the world we live in. Pretty massive topics I know. I think I’ll wax lyrical about the second one for a moment.

Encouraging others to see the beauty and magnificence in everything around them is something I feel strongly about, as you may have noticed if you have read many of my other posts. (This is, incidentally, why I work in heritage tourism: people constantly undervalue and fail to appreciate their own history- the history of the people who created them and everything around them. Sometimes people need a gentle nudge and an enthused voice to realise how amazing this is.)

Looking up to the sky and thinking about the vast processes, what is beyond what you can see and the very distance between yourself and anything else solid is an amazing, humbling and inspiring thing. In winter, in rain, in dull cloudy weather, it’s awesome- in the original sense. And in sun and blue skies it is so much more joyful.

 In any weather, and any situation, you should be able to find something amazing and vast about what is going on. Have a think.

Song Lyrics

The other day my sister and I were warbling these lines:

“Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you, sweet dreams and leave your worries behind you, and in those dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.”

Whatever they be? Really? What about if your dream was about the worldwide reanimation of rotting corpses to eat children’s brains in a terrifying bloodbath of the innocent. And you, the last bastion of mankind, must fight off these poor damned souls. And the only way to kill them is to pull out their intestines with a hockey stick.

And sweet! Success! You save the last children from the zombies and are personally responsible for their survival and the survival of mankind. Go you! Standing in a river of undead intestinal juices.

Do you really want to be involved in this dream? As we are presumably talking about an adult relationship so would not be one of the children, it is likely that you are one of the rotting reanimated dead.

Perhaps the songwriter did not really have this in mind, and *perhaps* I take things a little too literally, and have a bit of a runaway imagination. I’m also aware he’s back-tracking the meaning to any specifically “sweet” dreams in the conventional sense. But that’s no fun.

And whilst we’re on the topic, Snap: I am not thoroughly convinced that it really is as serious as cancer, that rhythm is a dancer. Have you ever had cancer? Well no, neither have I. But I don’t think it’s really comparable.

Issues of Illness

Disclaimer: I can't work out of this is a waste of internet or not. If it is, don't blame me, I am nice and well-meaning.

This week I have mostly been ill.

 

Sunday and Monday

Ill in a bad stomachy way. Vomiting and that. Bad times.

Most workplaces would accept that if standing up makes one vomit, if one has gone significantly grey and is in massive abdominal agony, one is not ok to go to work in a school full of vulnerable, infectable infants. But not mine. Oh no.

Several long conversations about why I *had* to go in, meant I had to get an emergency doctor’s appointment, so a qualified professional could confirm that I definitely should have stayed at home, in bed, rather than bringing it to the surgery (although at the surgery I rather pathetically leant on the reception desk and asked to lie down with a sick bowl, rather than go to the waiting room, so I prob didn’t infect that many people. Just the receptionist, Doctor, and next few people to be in that room).

I have talked a lot on the phone to my Mum and Dad, who invariably make me cry like I have giant terminal face cancer. Having anyone be sympathetic makes me sob uncontrollably, but Mums and Dads are worst of all.

One of the first things Mum said was “Well it’d be good for you to get a few days without swallowing any fat or calories,” but I know she really meant “Aww my poor darling. I wish I could come and look after you”.

One of the more alarming things about Monday was that my gums went grey.

That’s bad right?

Tuesday

On Tuesday I mostly lay down. I think I watched 8 DVDs. I also started to panic that I might have an angry throbbing leaky appendix. But then I found out that was on the other side. So I watched another DVD. Eventually it got bored and the pain decided to holiday in my head and neck.

Wednesday

So after a morning of slightly-less-painful tummy ache and in back, neck and head pain, I decided that I was just about well enough to go out and get a prescription I needed as that was quite important. And whilst I was out I’d look for some lemon sorbet. This is the food that makes me feel better when I am poorly.

This was a MISTAKE. I realised that walking *still* made me nauseous, and that everything and everyone smelt terrible. This also makes me nauseous. BAD TIMES.

Also, they were filming an advert full of happy shoppers in Morrison’s. I was feeling very nauseous as I walked past them, hiding my grey face and bed hair. V glad I wasn’t sick in front of the camera, although that would have been a fantastic anecdote/advert out-take.

And so I staggered around Morrison’s, basically not buying much because I wanted to escape all the smelly morons who walked into me and bashed into me and things. I didn’t realise how much I must normally dodge people in supermarket.

And after all that they didn’t even have Lemon Sorbet. I actually almost cried in front of the ice cream.

Then the self-service checkout decided to hate me. I almost cried again.

Then I went home and vowed never to go out again.

But my gums became pink again!! HURRAY!

Thursday

So today I have learnt my lesson from yesterday: i.e. I am poorly. I did not even open my curtains. Like the confined invalid I am.

The disadvantages of slowly getting better, is that i'm noticing the horrific disfigurements caused by illness. THE RETURN OF THE GEOGRAPHIC TONGUE!! (kinda like...tongue rot. where taste buds just die and leave a big gap. Happens when poorly or v v stressed. mmmm), coldsores, exc...ecsth...ex...exthma...e. dry skin. It's all mightily delicious.

But I did manage to boil my own boring plain potatoes for dinner. MMM.... Bland.

Tomorrow I intend to be better. 

The End

PS LOOK AT THIS!!!!

Whilst looking for a suitably pathetic picture of a sad bunny in a blanket with a thermometer or something to illustrate my case, I found this Amazing Thing!

That would be amazing. I wonder if it can do automatic sympathy-craving facebook statuses...

new yearsy musings

So. It appears blogging happens in waves. I did have a good time at Christmas, and God-knows many things to rave about, as I battered angry old ladies and wrestled kindly vicars for the last sprouts, and muttered in a mad angry way, passively aggressively *near* shop assistants about what a stupid place to put the clotted cream and how it took me half an hour to find it. 

Also many things I should not think, about my grandmother, and her astonishing ways of insulting everyone possible at every moment available when she’s not actually sneezing or swallowing (chewing doesn’t count. Shudder). I don’t know how she dreams, but I expect dreams aren’t what they used to be, and everyone in them is misusing their time, by watching tv, using computers, talking on the phone, reading books, doing revision, making biscuits etc... Why aren’t they wooing suitable young men and playing tennis? (these are two suitable past times for young ladies).

Breathe.

It is perhaps a good thing that I did not blog during Christmas. But mostly I was too busy, as we had guests constantly, and it was all hands on deck to mop, vacuum, make mince pies etc etc.

So these are some thoughts I’ve been having more recently

PERSONAL GROOMING RELATED OPPRESSION!
If I take a long time in the bath or shower it is *not* my fault. I am forced to take a long time in order to conform to society’s expectations of women’s beauty. Ok, “beauty” may be stretching it, but appearance.

Therefore, irritating men on telly, don’t make jokes about women taking a long time to get ready to go places, if you can’t honestly say you wouldn’t form a different opinion of me if I went out like a mono-browed, moustachioed lady in tracksuit bottoms and fleece, whose puffy eyes are barely visible through the eyebrow-thicket and massive glasses.

I would *never* do this. I wouldn’t normally do this (I have been effectively conditioned!), but I fear this may have been the terrifying image which dragged her hairy knuckles through Sainsbury’s this evening, hunting and gathering for crisps. Wuuuhorraaahhhh....crrriiiisps....want crisps... ruuurrrrhur

VENUE OWNERS!!
If you have a venue, or if you are responsible for dealing with a venue. PICK UP THE FECKING PHONE!!! Did you know that sometimes there is a *PERSON* on the other side of the phone? They may want to use your venue, perchance for swing? THEY WOULD PAY YOU!!

Also, if you *do* pick up the phone and hear the word “dance” or “swing” (or even the other way round), don’t immediately dismiss it in horror with a disgusted “I don’t think we can accommodate that kind of behaviour”.  It’s not what it sounds like!!

On that subject, when approaching one possible venue I was asked if that were like pole dancing but with giant swings. Think of the friction burns!     

POST-CHRISTMAS JABBAFICATION

My aunt said this “Though sadly, the hind brain has become accustomed to Christmas eating regime and starts to panic if more than half an hour passes without food!” Troubles. I agree. Also I am largely at home at the moment (due to being useless to society and a drain on my parents) so there is nothing to stop me eating!! On the bright side though, I do have a *lot* of time to organise Leeds Swing Exchange, so Hurrah!! I am using my time for good, worthwhile things which will benefit others. Eee!!

 

I *LOVE* NORWAY (the webcomic character...)

 I have found a new favourite webcomic!! It is called Scandinavia and the World, and is all about the little personifications of countries interacting. http://satwcomic.com/everybody-can-have-boobs Hurrah! Found by the delightful Christina! Hurrah! Everyone should look.

It is sad that it isn’t the longest most exhaustive webcomic ever, so I have already looked at everything. But this is also a good thing, for my productivity...

Big new yearsy love

Remebrance Day

Thursday was Remembrance Day, or Armistice Day. The day when we remember the sacrifices of those who served our country in the armed forces. Particularly the vast numbers who died in the first and second world war.

In the second world war between 62 million and 79 million people died. To put that in perspective, there are about 61 million people in the UK at the moment. Just like us, most of these were normal people like you are me, just average people with normal jobs, whisked into hardship out of their country's desperation. The ones who didn't die had seen those around them die, become injured, suffer etc. And then at the end of the war, they went home.

Not only did these conflicts destroy families through death and injury, but through absence and separation.

When the soldiers came home from these conflicts, they often had tremendous difficulty readjusting to life. They'd lived an entirely different life. Their children didn't know them. Members of their families had died. They hadn't seen their wives or parents for years. The idea of post-traumatic stress and it's treatment was not recognised on much of a scale, and even if it were, the prospect of dealing with it in such huge numbers, in a post-war country would be impossible.

There is a book recently published called "A Stranger in the House: Women's Stories of Men Returning from the Second World War", about a generation of fatherless families, whose fathers suddenly returned after the war, and found themselves placeless, jobless, anchorless and unable to deal with the traumas they had just endured. There are many stories of children who'd one day encountered a stranger in their home, said to be their father, but had no emotional connection with them at all and often never regained it.

These conflicts destroyed or distressed every life of these generations, and on Remembrance Day, we are meant to remember, appreciate, respect, greive and ensure that this doesn't even happen again.

Many of those who served or died, or the families of those who served or died still live and remember. I just realised on Thursday that my grandfather was one of those. I never really appreciated what he did when I was young because he survived the war, so I failed to understand the scale of his upheaval, going from everyday electrician in Plymouth, to driving a tank in a war zone where he saw so much death.

Similarly I always knew my grandmother was a Wren, but I never really understood what this meant until a few years ago, and that it was a voluntary action for a woman to be involved with the war, to feel helpful, productive, involved, and that she was keeping those on the front line safer.

My Grandmother (2nd from the right) and some of her friends.

My other Grandmother is of Jewish derivation, and won't talk about the war, or her family during it. It is clearly painful for her. She is still afraid of discussing her ancestry. She would have been younger, just a child, but she saw the difficulties in her family and it clearly effected her greatly.

Obviously the sacrifices are contiunuing to today, and we are coming to think of Remembrance day as a day to celebrate the contribution of all those who serve in armed forces, and although the casualties are no longer on such a huge huge scale, but we must still respect them.

So I was saddened that on Thursday, at 11 o'clock, people continued to chat, shout, walk around, play music etc without caring at all. To be fair, I was in a shopping centre, so it is easy for people to forget, and you do need a certain amount of orchestration to have 2 minutes silence. People probably won't do it independently, they need encouragement.

There was a bit or a rubbish anouncement in Next, which a) sounded like an advert so everyone ignored it, b) was quiet, and c) said, we hope you will join us for 2 minutes silence at 11. It didn't actually say, now, or it *is* 11 o'clock. It sounded like it was coming up. So everyone ignored it. So I went into sainsburys, and was imagining there'd be an announcement soon. But no. Apparently there was one, it was just very quiet and like Next, not very clear.

The thing is, respect for people in the armed forces seems to have become the new nationalist patriotic standard. People have split opinions on the monarchy, and are only too quick to rip it out of politicians. Sport is normally only able to unite about 48% of the population. But respect for british soldiers seems to be the new standard in patriotism. Which is great, so it makes it even more surprising to me that people weren't observing it.

As a nation we are not encouraged to think enough. We are encouraged to watch tv, to earn money, to get married and pay taxes, but not to comtemplate, philosophise, rationalise, understand and remember.

Next year I hope you'll help me encourage others to observe, think, grieve and remember, so that the sacrifices made are not forgotten, and that we as a nation remember the effects of such a war in order to pacify the future.

This poem is used so much it is getting really cliched, but it does say what seems necessary, in an effecting way, from the pen of someone who was there...

For The Fallen - L Binyon

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill; Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres,
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain;
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.

Delirious Viral Ramblings

Hello everyone.

So this week I have been mostly ill. As I am currently 90% unemployed, this is not good, as I have no work to be relaxing from. So I have spent the last four days basically watching TV. I am now completely and utterly sick of ANYTHING than can been shown on a screen. All the things I *DO* want to watch, I have seen toooo many times. Come on Mighty Boosh! Make more episodes! Come ON! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!! Bah.

So I am so bored of things! And yes, I suppose there are lots of things I *could* do. Such as tidy my room, vaccuum, rewrite my CV. But all of these things are boring, involve energy, brain power, or muscles. And I am unwilling to involve myself with such effort. Also I *have* no brain anymore, I have a pressure cooking in stead. Sometimes when I blow my nose, a little of the pressure cooker vented into my ears or tear ducts with a popping cracking noise and the world turns upside down. That is in fact why I am doing this now. I am too dizzy to stand up so I have to occupy myself with my computer.

However fortunately I feel a little better now. I can tell I'm getting better, because all the stuff that was packed into my massive throbbing pressurey brain, has been coming out of my face. WOooop for a disgusting yet winning result!

So within the last few hours I have resolutely said "NO!" to continuing to sit down, and watching more of whatever is on Dave (our TV stand broke so now we use Dave the vagrant we found at a bus-stop) and I decided to make cake. Pumpkin cake to be exact. I am currently trying to balance boiling pumpkin into puree with not standing up for too long. It's going ok!

Here are some fun delirious noises:
Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhayyyyaaaaaaaaaa the world is up and down and fish and have you seen my spanner-dog? it looks like a spanner and barks like a dog! I need it to fix my -N YEEEEERRRRRR- medicinal potatoe dispenser! Maahahahaaa I's well frenked arf in fezzy McDingo I HAVE LOST --zzzzzz- MY FEET!! Red. Isn't it though. HISS.

That was very enjoyable. I shall have to do more of that later.

So I'm actually pretty disappointed with this illness. It's been rubbish. Not mild enough to enjoy dossing around; no-one around (like family members or a boyfriend) to fuss over and look after me; no vomiting or loss of apetite therefore there will be no weight loss and I'm not even reading any particularly good books which i can pour over all day in the absense of other things to do. So none of accidental benefits have occured at all.

Also, my neck is very big- glands and tonsils and things. I think, width wise, it prob now looks like i'm wearing a very smooth skin-coloured scarf. Massive neck fail. Unless I'm developing gills, which may be useful in the oncoming climatic apocalypse, I am extremely unimpressed.

WEEEEeeaaaaaaarrrnnnn-nya-nya-nya naaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr BRRAP in my soup Graham....Oh... :( Freeeeeeeee my gorilla printer to Granada in jam. Zaaaaaaarrrmmmmmm

Actually one interesting thing has come out of this illness. It is amazing how automatic the body is. I am intermittantly pretty dizzy at the moment (which as a bit of a surprise, my Aunt told me a few days ago that inner ear problems run in my family on both sides. Woop! I have a lifetime of this to come!). But even though I am dizzy and feel really disorientated and not in control of my body, my legs still walk me forwards, sit me down, take me upstairs etc. Woop! Auto-body for the win!! As a first aider I have walked technically unconcious people  from place to place, when stretchers/carry chairs etc were lacking, and even when unconcious, unresponsive, eyes shut etc, people can still put one foot in front of the other and carry their own weight....kind of. With encouragement and directional help on each side anyway.

So I won't continue to moan. Except that's all I have to say, as being ill and lying down is ALL I have done for the last few days.

Also- I'm going to go assess the failure of my pumpkin cake!

Love love xx

Driving me insane!

Driving - this post shall be interspersed with angry noises. Do not be alarmed.

GRAAAAAAARRRHHH!!

I am generally a calm and reasonably tolerant person. At least to your face :D. But one thing that does make me angry is bad driving. And there are a lot of stimuli for this in Leeds. In the area I live, it is all students and taxis. This means that indicators are basically unheard of, people do not stop at the end of the road when they join a major road, and that they do not look into a road before they swoop into it quickly. All of these are major problems when you also know that there are cars parked along almost all streets, and therefore very little room in road for more than one car.

GRRRRrrrr!!!

I am frankly pretty surprised more people don't have horrific accidents. My housemate was driven into by someone from a junction, who just drove right into her as she went along a main road. It wrote off her car. It was basically a young driver who didn't know what she was doing. But I actually see surprisingly few accidents. Perhaps it's because others, like me, now expect other drivers to do the most stupid thing possible at all times. E.g. it is AMAZING how many people do not understand the right of way rules at roundabouts.

People have been speaking a lot about driving tests recently. Many of them have been complaining that they are changing, and that now they're a bit harder because it involves some independant driving- i.e. not being told where to go for a while. Not to test your navigation, but to test your ability to think in advance, pay attention to road signs etc, without your instructor giving you helpful instructions in good time.

People are worried this will make it harder to pass!

This is ridiculous. There are so many SHOCKING drivers in the world, and there is so much essential material that the UK driving test completely fails to cover! For example, motorway driving is *completely* omitted. This is completely inexplicable, as motorway driving is very dangerous and intimidating, due to the speeds and the confusion of having multiple lanes.

If we taught our new drivers the proper way to use lanes, we might have much smoother flowing traffic, as so many minor delays are caused by some idiot driving in the middle lane, or even the outside lane, with no cause. We may also avoid a lot more accidents.

I just want to say this to the world: BE IN THE LEFT LANE!! ALWAYS IN THE LEFT LANE *UNLESS* YOU ARE OVER-TAKING SOMEHTING. THEN GET BACK IN THE LEFT LANE. I HATE YOU!

People have also been discussing a ban on new drivers driving in the dark. How is this going to solve anything? At what point will they suddenly decide they *can* drive in the dark. And at the moment it get's dark at about 5pm! Most people aren't home from work by that time of day!

Don't *stop* them driving in the dark, or on motorways. TEACH them to do these things safely.

The problem with driving tuition is that it's primary purpose is to give you what you need to drive the test. Not to teach you to drive well and safely any more than the test minimally requires. And because people are encouraged to take the test so quickly, if they *do* pass first time, then someone who has only ever had 10 lessons, is unleashed on the roads with something as horribly dangerous as a car and no limitations.

My 17 year old sister is currently learning to drive, and has had something like 14 lessons, and her friends are already saying things like "Shouldn't you have done your test by now?" They expext her to learn to pass, not to learn to drive well for her own sake, and they are putting pressure on her to take her test.

I passed 3rd time round, which I think made me a much better driver. It gave me time to work on things, ideas to take away and improve. Being failed makes you realise there's lots of work still to be done, and helps you prevent dangerous confidence on the road.