THE BIG FREEZE COMETH
Our lakes and rivers, even the sea will freeze as solid and grey as fish-imbued iron, our eyelashes and beards white with ice, all our pipes will burst leaving our houses a solid waterfall of icicles, and travel will be impossible unless you happen to own a snow plough. Polar bears will migrate south and be found rummaging through our bins in the morning, and hitting a lumbering walrus as you drive to work will become a real and present threat. And we will all resort to eating our pets and relatives as trapped inside our houses, food grows short.
This is what shall occur when The Big Freeze cometh.
Or so says the papers (some of the more alarmist ones anyway…) And this year I’m inclined to believe them. Except for the fish-iron and cannibalism. Urban-Polar bears would be quite cool too.
As one of the “born to be mild” generation, the last few years have taken me by surprise, along with most other people under 40. Having never really had to deal with any real quantity of snow until the last few years it’s all been a bit surprising.
*This Year* though- I will be prepared.
I feel pretty ahead of the game already, having learnt to bleed a radiator last week. I have also been stocking up on tinned food, UHT milk, tea bags, frozen food, candles, and things like that. I’ve also tried to help my parents stock up on wood for their wood burning stove.
They’re both a bit injured right now. But their injuries are mildly amusing so I’ll detail further:
Mum: In a *FRENZY* of housework she managed to rupture a tendon in her finger. So she has a painful floppy finger. It is now in a splint to help it heal straight, rather than at an alarming angle. This means she’s having manual dexterity issues.
It also means that, as she is a GP, she is told by her patients at a rate of approx 1 per hour “Oh ho ho! You should see a doctor!”
This means she is also at constant risk of accidentally embedding a scalpel in someone’s face.
Dad: Dad ran down some concrete steps outside a service station, slipped on some slime, and landed his whole body weight on his shoulder- thus tearing something bad and meaning he can’t really use his left arm much, pick stuff up, chop wood etc.
As a result my Gran has trying to buy him some ill-advised crampons. She has been told that crampons on concrete aren’t necessarily a good idea, but she is not to be deterred. It’s a repeat of the lawn-aerating-shoe spikes she bought us all over again. She’ll be TERRIBLY and constantly offended if said crampons aren’t worn every day in all situations. Including funerals, surgery, and in the supermarket.
So anyway: these things mean that mum and dad do not have a big happy log store like they have in previous years which is one of the main reasons I *have* to get home soon, and before December. So I can go mad with an axe.
The other is to pick up my jingly reindeer horns etc.
If the Big Freeze cometh not, it shall be a bit of an anti-climax to be honest. This year I’m mentally mega prepared so it’d better snow!
So everyone: my message to you is to stock up on lots of tinned/tetra-packed goods, fuel if you use it other than from the mains. Make sure you have blanket/deicer/water etc in your car. Dishwasher salt so you can de-ice your path/steps too, because that always sells out reeeally quickly when there’s ice.
This is not the article I read re the Born to be Mild generation, but it is a little one you can read without having to pay or subscribe to the eMetro.
Also this year, hopefully if we are all prepared, and expecting it, we will be able to appreciate and admire the beauty of the snow, and enjoy it, mess around it in, and still be able to function and travel around.
Rather than just complaining about it. *Ceaselessly*. Please.
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| Found sheltering in our shed during The Big Freeze |
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Wouldn't it be nice if snow could be a beautiful thing, rather than an annoying thing?
Well... It can! |
