Sleep for the Desperate

Can't sleep?

Despite being **insanely** exhausted?

Shuffle, shuffle, fidget, glass of water, fidget?


Didn't work? WHY CAN'T YOU SLEEP???? GOD WHY??

Afraid for your mental health?

In the throws of last night's insomnia not only did I do some wonderfully disturbed art work, but also started to come up with tips to help desperately exhausted people to sleep.


1) Hypothermia!


Your body temperature needs to be below 30 degrees for this to really make you sleepy and sluggish... This may make your skin blue and puffy and painful and you will probably shiver very very violently. But it depends how desperate you are to get to sleep. Leave all your windows open on a cold winter night, and sleep naked with no covers.

If you can get your windows to close, and heating or a lil heater to come on like maybe half an hour after you start to get too cold, you can warm up once you are asleep, and limit the permanent physiological damage.

It's prob best to have some toast and a few good table spoons of honey before you try this so your blood sugar remains stable...


2)  Moby Dick

This is honestly one of the most boring books I have every tried to read. And I'm a big fan of literature of the 19th century. A good proportion of my books are penguin/Oxford world classics from the 1700-1900 kinda area.

But MY GOD. How did this book every become "a classic". Dear lord.

I can almost guarantee that your body will shut down in self-defense if you attempt it.

Robinson Crusoe is also surprisingly boring, despite its fame and apparent popularity. I mean, it's kinda ok at the beginning, and in some select pages, but at the end you can see even Daniel Defoe became deathly bored, and after hundred and hundreds of pages, a boat just turns up and rescues Crusoe- the end.


3)  Draw some pictures related to your insomnia for the purposes of a blog post in the future


This is exhausting. Trust me.


4) Having just the right amount of drink.

Do not get wasted, because drowning in your vomit when you do fall alseep is NOT a good way to go. And alcohol induced nausea is also not going to help. But maybe a little of soething that isn't fizzy?


5) Consume a Sloth

Everyone knows that by consuming something you gain qualities from that thing. Obviously if you eat a sloth you will gain it's qualities. For example, being able to sleep anywhere, for 15 or 18 hours at a time. Also having hair that grows the other way up.


6) (or if you are vegetarian) Consume a lettuce

For a scientific reference for this please refer to The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies - Beatrix Potter.


7) Leeches or blood letting.

These will cause hypovolemia. Slowly. Use with caution. Blood loss *does* make you drowsy though... At some point presumably they'll get full and fall off.


8) Become a private assassin.

Running around at night and thinking of imaginative ways to bump off your hits will certainly tire you out, by the time you get to bed, presuming you are not haunted by the faces of those you have just murdered for cold hard cash, you will have no trouble dropping off as soon as your head hits the pillow. (Best to keep a weapon under the pillow in case your new "friends in the industry" wish to even the odds in your sleep. However try not to think of this when you go to bed).

If this gives you moral concerns, you could market yourself as a socially responsible assassin- only accepting commisions on evil master criminals or murderers, or people who are currently developiing weapons of mass destruction for personal use.

The generous extra income will certainly give you peace of mind, contributing to a brilliant night's sleep.


9) Don't fancy actual killing? Selling your body is less likely to get you actually killed, as long as you are careful and hire/persuade yourself a strong, protective and vigilent pimp or body guard.

I recommend you go down the expensive high class lady/gentleman of the night road, rather than the stretchy leopard skin mini skirts outside Iffi's Kebab Hut route. This way you're less likely to be embroiled in drug crime or raped and killed by gangs. Try frequenting the bars of expensive hotels, and keeping most of your flesh covered in nice yet seductive looking clothing, steering clear of e.g. lime green pleather halter-neck belly tops. That goes for you too gents.

The posh hotel route also makes it easier for you to e.g. insist that everyone has a shower first, and that protection is mandatory.

Again- provided you are not haunted by various different acts/requests/customers, this should wear you out so you fall asleep as soon as you try. Hurray!




Happy sleeping!!

A blog entry born out of boredom

A blog entry born out of boredom

This title reminds me of an article I read when I was 13 or 14, about two 13/14 year old cousins who got “bored” in a caravan at Centre Parcs when their parents were out and conceived a little inbred baby. But to be fair- in terms of keeping yourself occupied, it probably worked.


We had great fun watching Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus the other day. It is a triumph of cinematic achievement. Esp if what you want from your cinema is monsters which are improbably created/found, really really emotional facial expressions and really pretty chemicals in test tubes which never quite turn the right colour until the “chemistry” is right- i.e. two scientists have sex, and then it clicks and they find the answers (which glow neon yellow in the test tube- that's how they know it's worked), inspired by their love.

My favourite bit was when the shark bit the plane out of the sky. Unfortunatly their graphics weren't great for this so this one of it eating the San Fran Golden Gate Bridge will have to do.

This prompted us to discuss and therefore learn lots of stuff about e.g. octopodes. I say octopodes because I am a classical pedant, and octopus as a Greek word should be pluralised to octopodes. But if you say octopuses I won’t develop murderous rage. Unless you say “octopi”. WOAH. Just no. Die in a festering hole made of poisonous spikes.

So anyway- let me tell you about octopodes. Actually I can’t be bothered to paraphrase. So here is some quality copy-pasting.

“Using a network of pigment cells and specialized muscles in its skin, the common octopus can almost instantaneously match the colors, patterns, and even textures of its surroundings. Predators such as sharks, eels, and dolphins swim by without even noticing it.”

“When discovered, an octopus will release a cloud of black ink to obscure its attacker's view, giving it time to swim away. The ink even contains a substance that dulls a predator's sense of smell, making the fleeing octopus harder to track. Fast swimmers, they can jet forward by expelling water through their mantles. And their soft bodies can squeeze into impossibly small cracks and crevices where predators can't follow.”

“An octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator's grasp and regrow it later with no permanent damage. They also have beaklike jaws that can deliver a nasty bite, and venomous saliva, used mainly for subduing prey.”

“They can grow to about 4.3 feet (1.3 meters) in length and weigh up to 22 pounds (10 kilograms), although averages are much smaller”
And because I am good academic pedant here is a citation!

So. I will tell you about my Sunday.

On Sunday I was at work. But in Leeds all the swingers were learning the Big Apple, with the beautiful Jazz Extravaganza that is Cat Foley (seriously- this woman has MAGIC feet. Help her out and book her to teach dancing and stuff), and then/or dancing in Golden Acre Park! I wanted to be dancing.
Here is a video of what they acheived. Well done all!

Instead I spent the morning at work, prodding at some very difficult poo, which had been left in a toilet in the gents over night, with a stick. It actually took hours.
Everyone was dancing, and I was pouring horrible chemicals around, and scraping at masses of faeces. Rather than dancing. Bad and upsetting times.

I’m going to move on from this now because there’s not much else I can say without being unnecessarily gratuitous... but it wasn’t very pleasant.

So I’ve been thinking a bit about ways to fill silence. I used to think I was pretty good at this, but I seem to have lost my mojo. I realised this especially a few weeks ago at Bristol Lindy Exchange. My ability to strike up exciting conversation with people who I know a bit has suffered. Strangers/friends are fine, but people-I-know-just-a-bit are more difficult. I do tend to come of significantly more insane than I genuinely am.

I once heard someone say “sometimes silence is so intense you get the urge to set yourself on fire just to distract away from it.” I do not recommend this course. I mean it will probably work, but there may be unpleasant side effects- i.e. being on fire, making everyone think you are terrifyingly insane...again...being on fire, gaining severe burns... varieties on these themes. But as I say, people *will* talk.
I mean, if you want to break a silence and you really don’t *care* if you come off frighteningly insane, there are loads of options. “MMmm... can you taste murderous hate?” or “Ever eaten a cat?”

My friend Mike recently broke a silence with “Did you know it was legal to rape your wife until 1993?” I thought this was great. If you know your audience can deal with inappropriate comments and will enjoy the comedy value, and in this case, not get the impression that you are a fan of rape. I am a bit bad at judging who enjoys inappropriate comedy and tend to just say things anyway, but this is a fairly good way of weeding out the boring people, so as long as it’s not at work it’s generally ok-ish.

I used to pose interesting questions. E.g. If you were a biblical plague which biblical plague would you be? This is a pretty good one but I think I’ve used it on almost everyone I know. I’d be rain of fire, so you know. Then I would have a mild corruption of a famous Johnny Cash song all of my own. Also very good- would you rather have arms made of cheese or legs made of beef? Both are pretty much useless, unfortunately. I’d rather have legs made of beef, because when they rot or fall off or get eaten by stuff, I’d still have the use of my arms. However I heard a *great* answer once which was, “I’d rather have arms made of cheese, because I’d rather eat my own arms than have dogs eat my legs.” Excellent. This person was a genius of giant proportions. (the genius element was giant, not the actual person.)

Inspired by Mike I am going to start trying to break silence with inappropriate comments. E.g. “It takes nine years for a corpse to become a skeleton”, or “10% of dry human weight comes from bacteria”. What do you think? I’m not sure it’ll start a long conversation, but it’ll acknowledge the silence with comedy/interesting fact, and that’s got to achieve something good right?

Till next tie! I O U a dance move of the week very soon.

xx

From Bristol Lindy Exchange to Turkey Darts

This weekend I have been to Bristol Lindy Exchange for five whole days of dancey wonder. After weekends like this I am always hyped up on Swing. It astonishes me that partner dancing has somehow stopped being mainstream sometime around and after the 50s. Did people just decide it was more fun to dance on their own? Utter madness.

Or perhaps, did feminism start to out-mode the partner dances?  It is slightly frustrating sometimes and requires a kind of submissive compliance probably at odds to increasing sexual equality to be always doing whatever your lead wants, with normally little scope for creativity except for styling. This is why I like to follow *and* lead: so that sometimes *I* can control what moves fit the music and the energy of the dance. (Saying this following is great too, and it is wonderfully satisfying to follow well, but I think this may be a slightly more post-feminist view. Prog-feminism).

But surely it’s loads more fun to just lead as a lady or follow as a guy than to abandon the idea completely? Or was it not yet acceptable for a woman to act a man’s role and vice versa and the world needed a few decades of sexual equalisation before we were able to discuss leads and follows instead? 

And the progression is definitely not complete. I know lots of ladies who lead, but only a handful of men who are comfortable and get regular practise. I have heard men say they’d like to follow, but they’d worry that they’d make the leads uncomfortable. I have also heard some people tell others than men shouldn’t follow, “it’s just wrong.”

NO! Get over it! Men! Break free of your shackles and be gender-liberated! It’s loads more fun to have the freedom to vary your role, and even if it’s just a learning method, it’ll improve your leading tons. Freedom for men! Be inspired by this picture:

 Um. Wait. No.
This one!

Yes that one. Feel the gender freedom. But I recommend not burning your underwear. You may feel the gender freedom a bit more, but there's a time and a place for that.

Perhaps it’s much simpler than this, and it is characteristic of younger generations to eschew the practices of their parents and grandparents. This is why no-one in my year at school was called Gladys, Ethel or Doris, and why these days mullets only ever really happen by accident. Was swing dancing their embarrassing dad disco dancing equivalent?

These things do tend to come full circle though. When the original Ethels, Bertholds and Mabels, in their small print floral dresses (maybe not Berthold), smelling of lavender, sitting on ancient sofas covered in doily, are yesterday’s obituaries and long past needing their lilac rinses refreshed, people begin to look back on their hay-day with nostalgia and romance, and forget the less attractive ancient Ethel.

My youngest sister is called Amelia Frances. I was surprised when I was little because I thought this was an old lady name (sorry Milly). But no. It turns out there are now quite a few little Amelias. I was wrong. This was clearly the transition. She and I now wear small print floral dresses, and actually, I really *like* lavender. I also have a top made of about 20% doily.

So none of this rambling is conclusive, and all just my musings. But basically I am explaining my reasons for believing that the time is ripe for swing to retake the world.

Simples. Rally the dance troops!

(On that subject I want to be part of a dance troop! (not one with designs on world-domination) But it’s not going to work brilliantly at the moment, as things like that, where there is selectivity required, are a recipe for social disaster. There’ll always be people who think they should be in something they shouldn’t, or people who are borderline, or people who have not been selected when they should have been, all kinds of political and emotional horrors. The only way I think we could manage it was if someone who was clearly already in charge organised it. E.g. Christi and Paul in Edinburgh’s dance troop will work because they already have that position of authority. This basically means one of about 4 teachers in Leeds and I doubt this will happen. So we shall be troop-less.)

Back to exchanges: Exchanges are awesome. I wish we had one, but I’m not sure we have the market for both http://www.fsosleeds.com/ and a Leeds Lindy eXchange. And other people seem to think this too unfortunately, because it would be *awesome*. I wish every weekend was an exchange weekend. I would be a lot fitter too which would fab. Although my calves may end up the width of my waist. Which would not be fab.

So on the canal boat at Bristol LX we were discussing swing-ish songs which are disgusting. Yesterday I found this, it is called “Here comes the snake”. Oh dear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DuKryUfa6Q

At least The Spinach Song was relatively disguised. I am still able to mostly think about iron rich edible leaves when listening to it.

I just tried to find an amusing video to link to you to enjoy, but in fact I just intensely disturbed myself by typing in something suggested to me by Seb Sikora. Bad Seb. I shall link something very different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXoYK4b_q24&feature=fvw

This idea was inspired by Raulph Lauren, who have brought out a range of men's fragrences called, "The Big Pony Collection". Yes. I can see the logic... "What to girls like...? Um... Chocolate... Shopping... OH OH PONIES!" "Yes! Ponies! You're a genius". Presuably then someone in the marketing team involved a male preoccupation with size, and ta daa!

I hope they smell of different types of steaming wet horse. That would be very hot. "The Big Pony Collection" comes in four different scents. I hoped that one would be like "fallabella", but in fact they are things adventure, seduction, etc.

fallabella pony

This one is made brilliant by the inclusion of Turkey Darts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtBWMGRD_pc&feature=related

 Massive love to everyone, esp if you went on Bristol Lindy Exchange.

 xxxxx