Happy Christmas Eve World!

Happy Christmas Eve! And look! there's a special visitor coming through this door! Yes! It's the Mayor of somewhere and a small unenthused/confused child! Hurray! Also a random man in red with a big white beard.
Because after all there's only one more sleep 'til Chriiiistmaaaaaas...

YAY!

23rd!! It's the 23rd!!

2 more days to go!! Hope you are all enjoying the festive season

22nd December!

Happy 22nd Decenber:

21st December

Day 21... I'm sorry...

Again. I really do apologise. but Also. He he. But... oh.

Oh well... in for a penny in for a pound. I didn't want to do either of these really the honour of having a whole day to themselves....

Look what's in the letter box!!

:D :D :D :D

20th Advent Door!

Day 20?? FIVE DAYS TO GO PEOPLE!!

Aww... yay!!

Happy 19th Day of Advent

Day 18!! Hurray!

Happy Day 18, and Hurray, because I am doing what this song is about today after work. Woop woop! :D

Happy 17th December

Click on the Church door to hear a wonderful childhood classic :)

Yay! I hope this one has a special place in your heart as well as mine :)

I'm dreaming of Day 16! :D

Hurray! Also, it's completely true... despite the difficutl travel implications....

Have a wonderful 15th December!

What's this? Open the door to find out!

YAY!!

Day 14!

Happy day 14!

This is me and a few friends (Alberto, Sam and Heather! Hi!) a few years ago performing in Leeds. It was a day of complete Christmas Joy!

Day 13!

Day 13.

I couldn't find a proper official video if this on youtube, so here is a sustitute. Made my someone with a lot of time, and cabling on their hands....

The 12th Day of Advent Delight

Happy Day 12 of Advent: Childhood Joy

Day 11 is pretty exciting!!

This is not a...conventional Christmas song. But, give it a chance, it is awesome. And this video is the best version, and best visual attached to this version I've found.

Hurray! Wasn't that fun? I think it's pretty amazing! And that man is so expressive and fun to watch!

Festive love! x

Day 10 is a beautiful day. Sit some where quiet and calm, and enjoy.

Aaahhh.... :)

Day 9!

I think this calendar malarky is going pretty well. If you're reading this you're still here! Which is a good sign all round.

Open the Door to reveal the wonder! (Click on it!

Hurrah! I want some of that punch.... preferably hot though.

Day 8 of Advent

Hope you enjoyed Day 8. I know that is a lot of people's favourite song. It's the time of year where I hope everyone's Christmas shopping is going well. Only a couple of weeks to go now! I like caramel based chocolates. So you know. x

7th Door of Joy

 On the 7th Day it is summer of the soul in December...

Well if you're a regular reader you'll have seen this clip fairly recently, but it sums up so much about what Christmas is, and should be about. It is beautiful and it makes me so happy!

Happy Christmas Love FTW! :)

Christmas jingles to you all x

Your 6th Installment of Advent Joy

Giddy up! Let's go! Day 6!

I hope this song makes you as happy as it does me. :)
Merry Yule!

What's behind the 5th Door??

 On Day Five, they saw something bright in the distance....

I hope you enjoyed the corny corny cheesy cheese. And although I don't *particularly* want to encourage giant multinationals, this has become such an iconic thing.
So hurray hurray! x

Day 4 of Fabulous Advent Calendar of Festive Wonder

Happy 4th Day of Advent: open the classier and beautiful door below!

This track combines my love of Christmas with my love of where I am from (i.e. Sussex), traditional music, choral singing and beautiful historical places. Hurrah! How could you lose.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Festive Love. x

Helena's Beautiful Festive Advent Calendar of Joy

So for the first few days of Advent I had neither calendar or candle! So I decided to mark these days in my own way, by making a facebook advent calendar linking to Christmas themed things.

Today I got a real chocolate advent calendar, and behind doors 1, 2 and 3, where flighteningly mishapen almost-characters. One may have been a snowman, before his head was melted. Another may have been Santa. With neurofibromatosis. The Elephant Santa.

So I've decided this way is better, and to make it last longer and put it all in the same place, in blog form.

Just so you know- the first day's delightful surprise does not indicate that all the other days will follow in the same manner.... So don't be put off.

1st December 2011

Open the first door!! (go on, click on it.)

Wooo... If all went correctly in internet there should have been some rocking around of Christmas trees, a cameo of Rolf Harris and Santa bursting out of a massive present with a saxophone?

Excellent.

2nd December 2011

(you may want to bing the bell before you open this door)

Hurray!!

3rd December 2011

Hurrah! This was a bit of a find. It is quite hard to find people of this period with videos on youtube when looking for something specific- i.e. Christmas music, in a particular film or whatever.

Check back soon to open the next doors :D

Festive love xx

Happy Winterfest! Dealing positively with the inevitable disappointments of Christmas

*WARNING* This is one of the sappiest posts I have ever written. I make no apologies however, as it is genuinely how I feel. But if you don't appreciate talking about festive joy and love here are some comedy ideas of the day I was kidnapped by Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space and The Baby-Safe Ball.


 Since I was very little, Christmas has been the most EXCITING, beautiful, joyful and happy experience of my year. I used to sing Christmas carols from July- any time after my birthday was fair gain for Christmas anticipation. It seems to me, a time of year where the whole object is to make each other happy, spend time together, make everything beautiful with lots of decoration, make nice music, eat loads of nice things, and a time where we were closer to magic than any other time. It was the most exciting and wonderful time in the world.

Here is a case in point. This is a happy little me, dressed up for the School Christmas Fair- excited pre winning a prize for the costume and being in the paper with the other winners and Father Christmas! We all knew Father Christmas was really Bill the school caretaker in a big fake beard really, but it was great in all ways :)
I did not know what wonders were to come!

 

Aaaahhh those Halcyon days...

However. As you grow up Christmas day becomes more and more of a disappointment every year. Even with my "being in Christmas" trick of lying with my head under the Christmas tree, looking up through the lights and decoration, which I discovered as a teenager when i wanted to try to capture some magic. And yes I still do this.

It is just another day. Especially in my house, were due to a certain relative being there we cannot do what we want with it, and enjoy our family Christmas which means so much to me. In stead we sit around in silence, being told we're doing everything wrong. 

This makes me immensely sad, because I still love Christmas and all that goes with it. Everything I've written after this I have deleted and rewritten. I still don't know how to put it, other than our Christmas has been stolen, unappreciatively, for the sake of being "polite". So I'll move on.

As really Christmas is one single day, there is so much pressure to have an *AMAZING* day, which will rarely ever happen as an adult. So my way of dealing with this is to think of Christmas as a whole season. A period of approximately a month in which we can celebrate. Of course the presents and big meal and stuff will happen on the 25th, but the parties and celebrations and fun, singing, even other Christmassy meals, social gatherings etc can bring joy and love to people any time around this time of year, and make the Christmas experience longer and fuller.

This video is pretty much the summation of my Christmas feelings. Muppets Christmas Carol is one of my favourite films, and is wonderfully touching and inciteful, and this is a brilliant number. But it doesn't have to be just for a single day.

So basically I am encouraging you, if you have lost the joy of Christmas a little, to think of it as a season, a few weeks, in which to spread joy, to be generous, to spend time with friends and family, buy a Big Issue, make interesting cakes for work, partake in a charity event, make things around you beautiful. wish strangers a happy Christmas, smile at people as you pass them in the street, sing and be merry.

These things will brighten many more days than your own.

It is the summer of the soul in December. In all the places you find love it feels like Christmas.

xxx

THE BIG FREEZE COMETH

THE BIG FREEZE COMETH

Our lakes and rivers, even the sea will freeze as solid and grey as fish-imbued iron, our eyelashes and beards white with ice, all our pipes will burst leaving our houses a solid waterfall of icicles, and travel will be impossible unless you happen to own a snow plough. Polar bears will migrate south and be found rummaging through our bins in the morning, and hitting a lumbering walrus as you drive to work will become a real and present threat. And we will all resort to eating our pets and relatives as trapped inside our houses, food grows short.

This is what shall occur when The Big Freeze cometh.

Or so says the papers (some of the more alarmist ones anyway…) And this year I’m inclined to believe them. Except for the fish-iron and cannibalism. Urban-Polar bears would be quite cool too.

As one of the “born to be mild” generation, the last few years have taken me by surprise, along with most other people under 40. Having never really had to deal with any real quantity of snow until the last few years it’s all been a bit surprising.

*This Year* though- I will be prepared.

I feel pretty ahead of the game already, having learnt to bleed a radiator last week. I have also been stocking up on tinned food, UHT milk, tea bags, frozen food, candles, and things like that. I’ve also tried to help my parents stock up on wood for their wood burning stove.

They’re both a bit injured right now. But their injuries are mildly amusing so I’ll detail further:

Mum: In a *FRENZY* of housework she managed to rupture a tendon in her finger. So she has a painful floppy finger. It is now in a splint to help it heal straight, rather than at an alarming angle. This means she’s having manual dexterity issues.

It also means that, as she is a GP, she is told by her patients at a rate of approx 1 per hour “Oh ho ho! You should see a doctor!”
This means she is also at constant risk of accidentally embedding a scalpel in someone’s face.

Dad: Dad ran down some concrete steps outside a service station, slipped on some slime, and landed his whole body weight on his shoulder- thus tearing something bad and meaning he can’t really use his left arm much, pick stuff up, chop wood etc.

As a result my Gran has trying to buy him some ill-advised crampons. She has been told that crampons on concrete aren’t necessarily a good idea, but she is not to be deterred. It’s a repeat of the lawn-aerating-shoe spikes she bought us all over again. She’ll be TERRIBLY and constantly offended if said crampons aren’t worn every day in all situations. Including funerals, surgery, and in the supermarket.

So anyway: these things mean that mum and dad do not have a big happy log store like they have in previous years which is one of the main reasons I *have* to get home soon, and before December. So I can go mad with an axe.
The other is to pick up my jingly reindeer horns etc.

If the Big Freeze cometh not, it shall be a bit of an anti-climax to be honest. This year I’m mentally mega prepared so it’d better snow!

So everyone: my message to you is to stock up on lots of tinned/tetra-packed goods, fuel if you use it other than from the mains. Make sure you have blanket/deicer/water etc in your car. Dishwasher salt so you can de-ice your path/steps too, because that always sells out reeeally quickly when there’s ice.

This is not the article I read re the Born to be Mild generation, but it is a little one you can read without having to pay or subscribe to the eMetro.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8852756/Young-Britons-cant-bleed-a-radiator.html

Also this year, hopefully if we are all prepared, and expecting it, we will be able to appreciate and admire the beauty of the snow, and enjoy it, mess around it in, and still be able to function and travel around.

Rather than just complaining about it. *Ceaselessly*. Please.

Found sheltering in our shed during The Big Freeze

Wouldn't it be nice if snow could be a beautiful thing, rather than an annoying thing?
Well... It can!

Roadside Sculpture

Life needs to be a bit more exciting. And we can all do something, small things or big things, to make everyone happier and enjoy every day life a bit more. For this reason, I love roadside scultpure, interesting street art and things like that. I love THESE particularly.

  

Don't they just make everything so much more interesting? I'm not sure this is actually up anywhere.  I think it's just an illustration in the book mentionned in the link above. But it's awesome anyway.

As is this.

This is a real sign! In Leeds by the canal. And it makes people look twice, laugh, question it, want to know why? Hopefully it's never made anyone actually jump into the sea?

But there is good interesting and bad interesting. This falls somewhere in between.

It is beach-side sculpture from a beach near Kippforth in Dumfireshire. It involves REAL DENCHERS. It is also a kinda monster lobster thing with an extra head budding from it's back. WITH REAL DENCHERS. Aaaaarrrghhhh...
Pretty horrid. But it added interest to our day at least!


Roadside Sculpture is also available in "life + people" form. Doing interesting unexpected madness or random acts of kindness. A beautiful example of this was exemplified by Alan after swing the other week. He did a mid-pick-up-plank in order to earn a pint. He ran up to this girl at random, told her she looked pretty, stopped to tie his laces, and then went down in a face down plank on the pavement, whilst she and her friends walked around him laughing and shocked. It was abolutely hilarious and I now want Alan to accompany me everywhere just to fill life with hilarity. And those girls had a fabulous story to tell their friends,and spread the comedy around.

In terms of feel good Life-Roadside-Sculture, this is fabulous http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM . Imagine being in the station when this was going on? Imagine being one of the people who *created* this! Who is bringing joy to everyone else's day.

So I'm trying to think of things I can do to be productive and creative and bring joy and interest to other people. At work we've been doing a cool trading thing recently- a girl makes awesome things out of burning wood into different patterns, and I am trading her some pretty wooden things, for some wood and a glass candle holder from when i used to paint glass. So trading pretty things is fun. Also, by organisng swing events I feel I can make people happy. What else? I'd love to organise a flash mob. And I thought I might hang some pretty things from the tree outside my house to interest passers by.

What could you do?

Lots of love xx

I am a "chum"!

Today I realised that this blog is actually listed as a "chum" of Lindy Fridays! Therefore I feel the need to make myself at least minorly worty and actually write a post.
(I realised I typed worty, rather than worthy, just then, but it amused me so I decided to leave it in.)
So anyway- here are some amusing thoughts or occurrences of recent times.

On my way home from work today I witnessed one of Britain's largest inhabitants, riding home on a motorcycle.
I don't know if you've ever seen a really fat man on a motorbike, but it really surprised me. His whole body rippled in the breeze. I know it was probably exaggerated by the rippling of his jacket, but he was wearing tight leathers, so I don't know there was much space in there for extra air currents.
Also it amused me because he was the width of more than two of the bikes he was on, and it was a chunky bike.
Now I know this sounds mean, and there is no reason he should not be biking. In fact I have no way of defending myself, because it is mean, but it was also funny.

Many things in life are mean, but also funny. Sorry.

Other amusing things- I recently went back to Twitter after a period of meh. Here are some of my favourite forgotten tweets from long ago. By me of course:
"I wish there were dinosaur ghosts (re @eddieizzard ) cos then victorian mediums would become possessed, roar, stomp around + eat the vicar."
"I dont think it's OTT to be wishing my ex-boyfriend would be mangled horribly just so that i don't worry about bumping into him in the pub?"
"wearing snow boots which are so warm I don't need to wear anything else. But I wudn't do that to the world, so I'm also wearing humous+jam."
Sigh. God I'm hilarious.

Am considering hilarious girls night out speed-dating with friends. Here are some potential questions we're going to ask the unfortunate men we meet.
Would you rather have nipples for eyes, or a penis for a nose?
If you were going to have a book bound in your own tanned skin after death, as a present for your grieving relatives, which book would it be?
If you were a Cluedo Solution envelope, what three cards are inside?
If you were a 20th C Naval battle, which would you be and why?
Whose house??

Let me know if you have any more exxceeellent questions

Other things I am enjoying right now:
BOAST BATTLE! By the FABULOUS Horrible Histories. Who should be knighted and showered in truffles and the other kind of truffles, day and night, and have top priority with the TV remote at all times.

Also - SMBC webcomic has some good funnies :D I like this one.


Ur. I think that's about it for this moment as I am exhaaaaausted after work, and swing, and eating some beautiful Wagamamas din dins, and then deciding to write a post to demonstrate my continued survival.

Here is an inspiring picture to help you with all your endevours, I hope it helps.

Urr....

Hang on.

Try this one in stead.

Good night lovelies.

Quarter Life Crisis

As I near my quarter-century birthday I have been prompted to re-evaluate my life.  This evening my housemate asked me the question, “do you ever just think your life is pointless and going nowhere?” And I replied, “yes, but I tell myself it’s because I’m young, and all the things I want will come with time.”

Is that true? I am now at an age where I am expected to be financially independent, and achieving my life goals! I must accept that I am no longer a student!

So I am making a list of things I want to have, or achieve, in my life, and thinking a bit more about how I can start to win a bit more at life.

E.g. I have always wanted to be a novelist.

How am I going about achieving this? By not writing a single thing in over 3 years.

Excellent.

E.g. 2. I have always wanted to get fit and healthy and STAY like that (this is the trick. I was very fit and healthy for me in 2004 and 2008…maybe 2012 will bring me fitness!).

I am failing to achieve this by going to the gym maybe once in 2 weeks. I do lots of swing dancing too, but I know this won’t really have a massive effect as I am lazy, and do it only a few times a week. And I am at a level where I now expend very limited energy when dancing.
Yesterday was a severe token gym day and today I can’t walk, so let’s leave that by the wayside right now.

 

E.g. 3. I want to be able to speak another language well, so other people think I’m cool for being bilingual. Also so that I am bilingual.

I am accidently improving my French at work, because we get daily influxes of horrible French teenagers. So I get a lot of practise saying things like “Please be quiet”, “please don’t take photographs here”, “Please calm down!”, “don’t touch that, it is a thousand years old!”, and all sorts of other exasperated things. But that’s going reasonably well.

Therefore this evening I am going to pick up “Harry Potter et la chamber des secrets” again. That’s learning right?

E.g. 4. I want a lovely man.

I automatically defend myself from all lovely men by letting them know (directly or indirectly) that I am rubbish at flirting, and psychologically damaged by previous horrible men, and then making terrible jokes all the time = friend zone. I must stop doing this.

E.g. 5. I want to spend lots of time with my family

I love my family greatly, and spend very very little time with them. I live 6 hours north of home, and hardly ever get back to see them. I know I will regret this in the future.

E.g. 6. Career?

That’s more of a plea to the universe that anything. I am pretty lucky to even have a job at the moment. Hopefully, after paying my dues to the heritage world in the world of front of house staff, I will eventually get a job organising others or doing something else… maybe events? That’d be cool.

E.g. 7. Be actually good at music!

I have a reasonable voice, piano, 2 guitars, violin and cello. And Kazoo. And I have to say the thing I have practised most recently is the Kazoo. Wrong. This I blame largely on facebook. My poor lovely instruments. I have a good grounding in all except the cello (which was bequeathed to me and I have yet to find a teacher and actually give it a go), but I do nothing with it. Badness.

There are many more examples of things I feel I should be doing. E.g. being financially independent of parental help somehow…

Basically I am making a new June resolution which is to live life to the full, get my world in order, take lots of opportunities, and get as much fun and enrichment out of life as I can. In the short term this will involve boring things like trying to get a rebate on overpaid tax, doing hard slog at the gym, writers’ block etc. But fingers are crossed that pay offs will be had.

And if all that fails maybe I can be a sleuthy lady solving murders all over the world and helping local police whilst trying to vindicate my various random friends and family members from murders they did not commit.

Gratitude and Song Lyric related Zombies

I haven’t written anything in my blog for maaaany moons. Though I have started writing and given up halfway through due to not having any interesting conclusions… But I’ve decided that shouldn’t hold me back! So for better or worse here is some rambling.

Enjoy.

Gratitude and Awe

Written a few weekends ago when I was home visiting mum, dad and my youngest sister.

Inspired by Tessa’s year of gratitude - http://tessasmith.wordpress.com/2011/04/09/my-year-of-gratitude-week-fourteen/ this weekend has made me so very grateful for my wonderful family, and the world we live in. Pretty massive topics I know. I think I’ll wax lyrical about the second one for a moment.

Encouraging others to see the beauty and magnificence in everything around them is something I feel strongly about, as you may have noticed if you have read many of my other posts. (This is, incidentally, why I work in heritage tourism: people constantly undervalue and fail to appreciate their own history- the history of the people who created them and everything around them. Sometimes people need a gentle nudge and an enthused voice to realise how amazing this is.)

Looking up to the sky and thinking about the vast processes, what is beyond what you can see and the very distance between yourself and anything else solid is an amazing, humbling and inspiring thing. In winter, in rain, in dull cloudy weather, it’s awesome- in the original sense. And in sun and blue skies it is so much more joyful.

 In any weather, and any situation, you should be able to find something amazing and vast about what is going on. Have a think.

Song Lyrics

The other day my sister and I were warbling these lines:

“Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you, sweet dreams and leave your worries behind you, and in those dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.”

Whatever they be? Really? What about if your dream was about the worldwide reanimation of rotting corpses to eat children’s brains in a terrifying bloodbath of the innocent. And you, the last bastion of mankind, must fight off these poor damned souls. And the only way to kill them is to pull out their intestines with a hockey stick.

And sweet! Success! You save the last children from the zombies and are personally responsible for their survival and the survival of mankind. Go you! Standing in a river of undead intestinal juices.

Do you really want to be involved in this dream? As we are presumably talking about an adult relationship so would not be one of the children, it is likely that you are one of the rotting reanimated dead.

Perhaps the songwriter did not really have this in mind, and *perhaps* I take things a little too literally, and have a bit of a runaway imagination. I’m also aware he’s back-tracking the meaning to any specifically “sweet” dreams in the conventional sense. But that’s no fun.

And whilst we’re on the topic, Snap: I am not thoroughly convinced that it really is as serious as cancer, that rhythm is a dancer. Have you ever had cancer? Well no, neither have I. But I don’t think it’s really comparable.

Issues of Illness

Disclaimer: I can't work out of this is a waste of internet or not. If it is, don't blame me, I am nice and well-meaning.

This week I have mostly been ill.

 

Sunday and Monday

Ill in a bad stomachy way. Vomiting and that. Bad times.

Most workplaces would accept that if standing up makes one vomit, if one has gone significantly grey and is in massive abdominal agony, one is not ok to go to work in a school full of vulnerable, infectable infants. But not mine. Oh no.

Several long conversations about why I *had* to go in, meant I had to get an emergency doctor’s appointment, so a qualified professional could confirm that I definitely should have stayed at home, in bed, rather than bringing it to the surgery (although at the surgery I rather pathetically leant on the reception desk and asked to lie down with a sick bowl, rather than go to the waiting room, so I prob didn’t infect that many people. Just the receptionist, Doctor, and next few people to be in that room).

I have talked a lot on the phone to my Mum and Dad, who invariably make me cry like I have giant terminal face cancer. Having anyone be sympathetic makes me sob uncontrollably, but Mums and Dads are worst of all.

One of the first things Mum said was “Well it’d be good for you to get a few days without swallowing any fat or calories,” but I know she really meant “Aww my poor darling. I wish I could come and look after you”.

One of the more alarming things about Monday was that my gums went grey.

That’s bad right?

Tuesday

On Tuesday I mostly lay down. I think I watched 8 DVDs. I also started to panic that I might have an angry throbbing leaky appendix. But then I found out that was on the other side. So I watched another DVD. Eventually it got bored and the pain decided to holiday in my head and neck.

Wednesday

So after a morning of slightly-less-painful tummy ache and in back, neck and head pain, I decided that I was just about well enough to go out and get a prescription I needed as that was quite important. And whilst I was out I’d look for some lemon sorbet. This is the food that makes me feel better when I am poorly.

This was a MISTAKE. I realised that walking *still* made me nauseous, and that everything and everyone smelt terrible. This also makes me nauseous. BAD TIMES.

Also, they were filming an advert full of happy shoppers in Morrison’s. I was feeling very nauseous as I walked past them, hiding my grey face and bed hair. V glad I wasn’t sick in front of the camera, although that would have been a fantastic anecdote/advert out-take.

And so I staggered around Morrison’s, basically not buying much because I wanted to escape all the smelly morons who walked into me and bashed into me and things. I didn’t realise how much I must normally dodge people in supermarket.

And after all that they didn’t even have Lemon Sorbet. I actually almost cried in front of the ice cream.

Then the self-service checkout decided to hate me. I almost cried again.

Then I went home and vowed never to go out again.

But my gums became pink again!! HURRAY!

Thursday

So today I have learnt my lesson from yesterday: i.e. I am poorly. I did not even open my curtains. Like the confined invalid I am.

The disadvantages of slowly getting better, is that i'm noticing the horrific disfigurements caused by illness. THE RETURN OF THE GEOGRAPHIC TONGUE!! (kinda like...tongue rot. where taste buds just die and leave a big gap. Happens when poorly or v v stressed. mmmm), coldsores, exc...ecsth...ex...exthma...e. dry skin. It's all mightily delicious.

But I did manage to boil my own boring plain potatoes for dinner. MMM.... Bland.

Tomorrow I intend to be better. 

The End

PS LOOK AT THIS!!!!

Whilst looking for a suitably pathetic picture of a sad bunny in a blanket with a thermometer or something to illustrate my case, I found this Amazing Thing!

That would be amazing. I wonder if it can do automatic sympathy-craving facebook statuses...

new yearsy musings

So. It appears blogging happens in waves. I did have a good time at Christmas, and God-knows many things to rave about, as I battered angry old ladies and wrestled kindly vicars for the last sprouts, and muttered in a mad angry way, passively aggressively *near* shop assistants about what a stupid place to put the clotted cream and how it took me half an hour to find it. 

Also many things I should not think, about my grandmother, and her astonishing ways of insulting everyone possible at every moment available when she’s not actually sneezing or swallowing (chewing doesn’t count. Shudder). I don’t know how she dreams, but I expect dreams aren’t what they used to be, and everyone in them is misusing their time, by watching tv, using computers, talking on the phone, reading books, doing revision, making biscuits etc... Why aren’t they wooing suitable young men and playing tennis? (these are two suitable past times for young ladies).

Breathe.

It is perhaps a good thing that I did not blog during Christmas. But mostly I was too busy, as we had guests constantly, and it was all hands on deck to mop, vacuum, make mince pies etc etc.

So these are some thoughts I’ve been having more recently

PERSONAL GROOMING RELATED OPPRESSION!
If I take a long time in the bath or shower it is *not* my fault. I am forced to take a long time in order to conform to society’s expectations of women’s beauty. Ok, “beauty” may be stretching it, but appearance.

Therefore, irritating men on telly, don’t make jokes about women taking a long time to get ready to go places, if you can’t honestly say you wouldn’t form a different opinion of me if I went out like a mono-browed, moustachioed lady in tracksuit bottoms and fleece, whose puffy eyes are barely visible through the eyebrow-thicket and massive glasses.

I would *never* do this. I wouldn’t normally do this (I have been effectively conditioned!), but I fear this may have been the terrifying image which dragged her hairy knuckles through Sainsbury’s this evening, hunting and gathering for crisps. Wuuuhorraaahhhh....crrriiiisps....want crisps... ruuurrrrhur

VENUE OWNERS!!
If you have a venue, or if you are responsible for dealing with a venue. PICK UP THE FECKING PHONE!!! Did you know that sometimes there is a *PERSON* on the other side of the phone? They may want to use your venue, perchance for swing? THEY WOULD PAY YOU!!

Also, if you *do* pick up the phone and hear the word “dance” or “swing” (or even the other way round), don’t immediately dismiss it in horror with a disgusted “I don’t think we can accommodate that kind of behaviour”.  It’s not what it sounds like!!

On that subject, when approaching one possible venue I was asked if that were like pole dancing but with giant swings. Think of the friction burns!     

POST-CHRISTMAS JABBAFICATION

My aunt said this “Though sadly, the hind brain has become accustomed to Christmas eating regime and starts to panic if more than half an hour passes without food!” Troubles. I agree. Also I am largely at home at the moment (due to being useless to society and a drain on my parents) so there is nothing to stop me eating!! On the bright side though, I do have a *lot* of time to organise Leeds Swing Exchange, so Hurrah!! I am using my time for good, worthwhile things which will benefit others. Eee!!

 

I *LOVE* NORWAY (the webcomic character...)

 I have found a new favourite webcomic!! It is called Scandinavia and the World, and is all about the little personifications of countries interacting. http://satwcomic.com/everybody-can-have-boobs Hurrah! Found by the delightful Christina! Hurrah! Everyone should look.

It is sad that it isn’t the longest most exhaustive webcomic ever, so I have already looked at everything. But this is also a good thing, for my productivity...

Big new yearsy love